Tiger Woods told his waitress girlfriend today how lucky he was after what happened last Friday. “I’m so glad Elin only bashed my face in with that club ’cause she was aiming at my balls!”

Here’s another one about new Tiger movies which are being planned.

Crouching Tiger, Hitting Hydrant

Cheating Tiger, Vanishing Endorsements

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Mistress

And this one is really good.

Neighbors of Tiger Woods shared that before the accident, they heard Tiger’s wife, Elin screaming,  “You are nothing but a dog!” Ironically, Tiger immediately ran into a fire hydrant.

Yet another one.

Tiger Woods finally released a statement today and admitted he did have an on going affair with at least one hottie. “I regret those transgenders err transgressions with all my heart.” …..  Later he went on to say  ”I’m glad I am a golf pro instead of a baseball player because that bitch would have killed me with my own bat!”

Actually, Tiger is a great guy. He has resuscitated the whole entertainment industry with his recent ‘transgressions’. The entire entertainment industry has been given a huge fillip by Tiger in these difficult times. Be it the talk shows, comedians or even ad makers they are all into business once again, all thanks to Tiger. Take a look at this ten second ad.

Also, one has to grant him his mathematics. So far eight of his affairs have come out in the open, and therefore he has offered $80 million to Elin as compensation. $10 million for each. Simple. Actually, he’s offering this money to the wrong woman and too late in the day as well. I mean, had he given this money to these eight women the affairs would not have been exposed at all. At least his reputation would’ve been intact. Too late for that, Tiger. But tell you what? One has to grant this guy his due because having one or two extra marital flings is routine which we keep hearing now and then but eight of them? For so long? Indeed the man has a lot of guile to do what he did for years on end without getting caught.

Anyways, fact is that he is not the angel that he was made out to be till just about a week or so ago. Apart from his wife, this must have also come as a rude shock to some people who even had a church named after him. They even had a website called tigerwoodsisgod.com. Well, the church has been renamed now as Damnation of Tiger Woods. That’s understandable but having a church named after a sports man was a crazy idea to begin with. Ironically, they themselves have now said that Tiger Woods is a lying coward. Oh, the realization!!!!

If you really think about it, Mike Tyson may be a better human being than Tiger Woods. At least he doesn’t pretend to be good. He is what he is and we all know it unlike Tiger who pretended to be holier than thou but is actually not. Who would have thought that beneath that cool and calm exterior is a psychotic womanizer. Who would have thought that the person whom we all thought was a thorough gentleman was anything but a gentleman. He may be doing all kinds of charities but having a moral character yourself is more important than doing charitable work.

And I guess Tiger does not really appreciate the fact that people like us are prying into his life. Well, let me tell you something Mr Woods. People have not changed. They were fascinated with your skills before this ex-posse and they continue to be fascinated with your ’skills’ even after this ex-posse. So what’s changed? Not us. And you never complained when everyone was lapping you up because of which you became filthy rich. Why now? We are not the ones having affairs. You are. So if you have to feel bad about anything it’s your own conduct, not about people prying into your private life, which you yourself have made public, though inadvertently.

Here’s what you need to do Mr Woods. Chat up with Oprah Winfrey and get on her show as soon as possible. Don’t wait for your wounds to heal. Get on the show all taped up and pour your heart out. Apologize to every one including your wife, fans and even those eight women (and the others who have not yet come out with their stories). And for heaven’s sake don’t repeat this, ever. As you must have learnt by now, these stories will come out one day or the other. And the next time it happens no one will forgive you, least of all your wife, even if you give her $100 million for each liaison. That’s assuming that she does now, of course.

Secondly, don’t do any more ads for the next one year or so. I mean, you would look rather stupid endorsing anything at this juncture. Actually, the companies whom you have contracts with will themselves not want to do ads with you for some time at least, till this whole storm blows over, lest it has an opposite effect on their sales. At the moment it’s like, whatever Tiger endorses is an absolute no no.

Thirdly, take a break from golf, ads and everyone else and get out of US for at least a few months. Go to a place where you can spend some quality time with your family.

Lastly, pray. That’s the most important thing for you right now because it’s only God who can help you. Amen!!!!!!!!!!

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Posted on December 5th, 2009 Feelings, Track the world • Tags: coward, elin, jokes, liar, oprah, tiger, waitress, winfrey, woods. • RSS 2.0 feed • Leave a response, or trackback